stressther

11:13 am: MOTL
i never update-i know-shh
How do you perceive me? Give me serious answers-it's for the march of the Living appication. Wow those things are annoying-AND IT'S DUE IN 2 DAYS!

05:38 pm: “K’ish echad, b’lev echad”
This past weekend I was at a leadership conference with NCSY. Rabbi Black, one of our Rabbi's gave a shiur (lecture) about what it means to care about a fellow Jew, how to connect with them, and how to feel another's pain.

Just today, I was driving home from school along Bathurst Street when I passed the site of my school's new campus. While we were passing it, I noticed three cop cars pulled up there. I looked outside the window to see what they were there for, and I saw on both sides of the campus sign two Swastikas spray painted on it.

At first I was terrified; thinking that "this is my future school-I'm a target now." When I expressed this fear to my mom, she basically shrugged it off, saying "we've been a target all our lives. We're Jews-we'll always be a target." It was only then that I truly realized what Rabbi Black had meant when he said "to feel the pain of another Jew."

So many Jews have felt the threat that there is towards Jews. So many Jews have felt the pain when they see a Swastika painted on Jewish sign or building. I felt the same threat. I felt the same pain. I felt “K’ish echad, b’lev echad” - As on man, with one heart.

01:09 pm: Updation due to request...
Due to the recent buggings of people to me about my lack of updating, I decided I shall update.

Let's start with my weekend:
Friday night: Shul, crazy dinner with the Balofskys, crazy oneg at my place with Meir, oneg hopping at my house/the shul with the Torah High peoples.
Saturday: People singing happy birthday to me at 12 a.m., made guacamole, shul (sorry, I lost a baby!), lunch, park, sleep, Bar Mitzvah-Amanda was drunk-t'was funny.
Sunday: Set design for the school play, sleep, sitting around doing nothing.

I told you all I never have anything to update about because it's all boring.

In other news, I'm failing Jewish History-I gots a 48%...which is better than I thought I'd get.

And Bex has a pic of me on one of her posts. I'm in a tank top and my hair is in a ponytail. How did you get it Bex?! ARE YOU STALKING ME?!?!?! AHHH!

Nothing left to write. Don't expect another post for a long time-unless I get entertaining and encouraging comments. SO COMMENT BIATCH!!!

09:10 pm: Apparantly, I now have a theme song:

http://home.nc.rr.com/keehyun/stuff/jew-heyya.html

Thanks Dale!

12:59 pm: The last of the three day yom tovim are over!!!...for now that is...But I must say, each was filled with unforgettable events...that I can't remember all of them right now...and I'd so be willing to do it again!...As long as i don't gain any weight this time around...
Anyways-highlights of this past weekend would for sure be walking into my room and seeing Sheindl asleep in my bed, having the best Simchat Torah ever, Sheindl and eric running off into the park and drinking all of the beer that I was supposed to have at least some of, dancing in the streets, peeing in a sink, and ending it off by having Yonah, Shad, Sheindl, and Eric come to Ariela's house to watch the movie Gothika...then walkign around at 1 in the morning and hearing things...such as Ariela's name being called.
Wow...that was a run-on sentance...my english teacher would kill me for that! Anyways, yea, this weekend was absolutely amazing.
And yes, I did pee in a sink. Ariela had yoinked the toilet and I was ready to blow. Wow, that sink smelled afterwards...

04:06 pm: Why must my morning all be vicious battles with my mother? I wake up this morning, the slightest bit late, by two minutes or something like that. I get downstairs and mother starts rushing me, even though I had plenty of time. I go to shake lulav and etrog when she started yelling at me that I'll be late. I decided not to for fear of mother bitching at me. But no, I guess it was too late because as soon as i knew it she started bitching at me, practically throwing the lulav and etrog at me yelling at me to do it and who gives a shit if I miss the bus because I'm a selfish bitch because I didn't wake up early enough, eben though I always have extra time in the morning and did again here too. So I let her bitch about how she told me over and over again to clean my room the night before, when really we both know that when laundry is done on a Sunday I always put it away Monday night if I want to go to NCSY. She also never said for me to clean my room yesterday, she expected me to fucking read her mind and know to do all her tedious bullshit work. Yet again mother, I'm not G-d. So by now, as you could imagine, I was being torn up inside from trying to suck up all the shit she was yelling at me about, when I started lashing out at her, setting that bitch straight. I don't think I've ever seen mother look so scared and as if she was realizing that she was in the wrong this time. Unfortunately, this didn't last long and she began to lash out again. At this point I lost all hope and patience. I gathered up my things as quick as I could and practically ran out the door. Regardless, mother came running after me and thankfully stopped before she reached the grass. Because I was in such a hurry I forgot so much stuff. The most fucked up thing that really pissed me off is that in the time we were arguing I could have shaken lulav and etrog and had time to spare to get the things I forgot. When I got home from school mother called to bitch at me again. She asked if I had cleaned my room and just to shut her up I said I had. She called back later yelling at me about how I'm a liar because she knows that I didn't really clean my room and that I'm going to be grounded if I don't clean it and call her back saying what I did wrong and what I'm going to change. Fuck her. Why should I give in to her? She's the wrong that's in the wrong here. Fuck I hate her.

08:37 pm: Today was the BAYT Sokkot carnival.
I was doing Bug Boggle.
It was fun.
And wet.
My fingers turned orange from the tickets.
Met a guy that looked like a mix of Nachum and Paolo, but he wasn't nearly as hot as either of them.
Kauffman's booth was right next to mine.
That was sexyful fun all day long.
There were Cocain snorting Carnies.
And I quote, as the one carny walked up to the other carny with a cellphone toy that flips open to a mirror, "Here, take this. Your daughter would like it. Or you could use it to snort cocain."
The game with the Wiley Kyotee looked like wiley's nose was a penis.
Kauffman almost puked on the Berry-go-Round.
The pizza they had their was shit.
Stupid Yehudale's Pizza.
Wow, I hate my boss.
He's a fucking contradictory, lying bitch that never gives any recognition to anyone.
Liran makes a good arm rest.
If me and Kauffman had kids there would be little blonde brats running all over their special class.
Yemina's friends are so wack.
Gotta love Or Chaimers.
And Netivoters.
And Eitz Chaimers.
And espeacially Darchei boys.
Today was so much fun.
*smiles*

10:52 pm: There was an NCSY Corn Maze tonight. It was all very fun, especially when the guy in the monkey suit freaked out my group like hell, until the bus ride home came. See, the whole bus ride there, and for quite a bit during the corn maze, everyone kept telling me to shut the fuck up because I was too loud and I was screaming. I decided to just sit quietly for the bus ride home, and of course me doing nothing always results to me thinking, never a good thing... So I started thinking about how everyone else has their annoying things about them too, like I have my loud trait. But it seems that no one ever points out everyone else's flaws, only mine. So this thinking now makes me wonder why I even bother trying, trying for what, I don't know, and what people who are my friend, or should I say, "are", my friends, really see in me, and what any guy that has ever for some fucked reason ever liked me see in me. Maybe I'm being a bit irrational, but all I know is that I'm fucking annoyed with myself and I want out. I'm sick of life being so unfair.

06:29 pm: I have had a headache now for the past three days. Could it be side effects from good ol' Dexadrine? I highly doubt that because the headache continues even after the medication wears off. Also, although my mom says otherwise, I never had a headache last year at the beggining of the year. Could it be my new contacts? I highly doubt that because even when I take my contacts out the headache continues. I'm also not wearing them now, 2 hours after I took them out, and my head is still pounding. Could it be stress from school? I doubt that because I don't feel stressed at all. In fact, I'm feeling great about this school year. Lord only knows what's wrong with me. Could it be lack of sleep? It very well may be, but I didn't get a headache the first day of school when I had been the most tired. The majorly annoying thing is that I took one advil at lunch, didn't help. I took two when I got home and an hour later it still hurts. But it hasn't just been a bad headache every day, rather a headache mixed with nausea. All I know is that if it doesn't stop soon I might have to hurt someone... Ouch...

01:31 pm: My weekend:
Saturday-I went to Neo's for a bit. Ethan stole my shirt. I still havn't gotten it back. I don't think I ever will. I want my shirt back.
Then I walked over to Adira's and we didn't do much of anything. I went with Shosh to walk her dog after.
Then we went over to Benyamin's house.
Then I went home after Shabbat and watched 50 first dates-messed up movie-and it wasn't even that good.

Sunday-I went to Yorkdale with Becca. It was fun-we got her friend a birthday present. We then went into Aritzia, which is a store with ugly designer cloths that are totally over priced.
After that I went to Klar's house. I felt like such an Emo kid because I couldn't stop crying. I was so fucked up last night.

Monday-I drove out to Waterloo with my brother and my parents to help my brother move in to rez. I'm going to miss him so insanely much. I feel like I've lost a peice of my childhood. It's hard to explain-but maybe that's why I was acting so Emo at the party last night. Meh-whatever-hopefully this will be yet another good learning experiance for me.
And now I sit at my computer and I'm fucking bored and need something to do so I don't think.

01:11 am: I saw 50 First Dates tonight. Fuck it-I wish I could be like that-having short term memory loss...Then I'd never have the problems that tag along from yesturday...

05:20 pm: Awee.
I am son to be going to Ariela's brother's Bar Mitzvah. It shall be fun. I painted my nails blue with purple sparkles for it. I get to wear my new shirt with my favorite skirt too-AWEE! Every day for the past five days or so I've been with Ariela. Every...Single...Day!!! You'd think that we'd be sick of eachother by now...but no. It's truely been great fun. We went shopping last minute today because she had no pants for tonight. What a smart girl. Her own brother's Bar Mitzvah and no pants. Meh. We got her an uber nice pair. Then I walked home from her place because they needed to get ready and leave soon for the Bar Mitzvah. On the way home some random guy waved to me then biked closer and said-oh-woops-you look like one of my friends. I hate when that happens. Because then you never know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Blah.


I'm going to go get ready for the party now.
Later days.

10:12 pm: I'm going completely insane.....nothing to do....I hate not being occupied....fucking A.D.D....


No Drop In for two whole weeks-whatever shall I do? I'm going to fucking go mad!!!!!

10:36 pm: I hate myself even more now. I'm such a fuck up. Why do I even bother? I know I'll end up failing anyways. I might as well kill myself. That way I can't try anymore. I won't be able to upset myself...like I always do...

09:28 pm: I feel so blah-My integration director came to my campsite today to tell me I did a horrible job at Wannado, mostly because the councellors hated me. But yea-half of the stuff she told me they said was not true and completely blown out of proportion. I'm so blah now-I think she hates me now. I'm worried about a job for next year. I'm way to immature right now to even be volunteering as a Leisure Buddy. Blah. and as the councellor Chris said-I'm always so sad and depressed looking-how can that be good in a camp setting that is supposed to be happy? I let my feelings show too much and I never think before I say or do anything. I'm never going to be able to hold a job and survive in the "real world". I'm just a horrid person.

09:04 pm: We got back from Florida yestureday. It was fucking amazing.
I took work off today because I knew I wouldn't be able to function because i was so insanely tired. I'm glad I did. I had fun.
I went to Michelle's house and we went frolicing in the rain. She showed me all her new tie dye stuff that she did and it looked awesome.
Then I came home and made plans with Klar. Talking about Klar and or plans-they never ended up happening. He decided not to show up and I just spent the last houe waiting for him and trying to call him and Jordan because he said he's be with him. Fuckers.
Blah-I'm tired, depressed, and cranky. I feel forgotten, unwanted, and all-around shitty.
Why do I feel another meltdown happening again? I can tell one is going to happe in the near futur. Fuck. I'm screwed. (Adira-I will try my absolute best to keep my promise to you)

11:06 pm: I'm leaving tommorow for Florida-yay! Ron and Shosh's wedding!!!!!
I still havn't finished packing yet. Oy. Mommy to be mad.
I biked to Klar's today. T'was fun. We had a deep conversation. Yay for deepness.
I attempted to start packing. It didn't go over well...Here I am at my computer... I'm feeling ...Blah...

03:06 pm: My crazy day.
I know I havn't updated in a while. I's a fast day today and I wanted to pass the time faster, so I guess that is why I actually updated. I'm going to now tell the tale of my crazy wacked out day that I had yesturday. Have fun reading:

I started the leisure buddy program and I’m placed at summer excitement in maple, which is so fucking far. I’m supposed to take a bus there that leaves really early. So I get to the stop and I didn't know anyone and I was standing all alone and I felt so lonely. I finally saw like 2 people I knew-neither of which were on my bus. Then the bus finally came. at first they didn't want to let me on because my name wasn't on the list, but because I’m volunteering I’m allowed on. They finally let me on after a director came to my rescue and explained to the bus person that I'm allowed on. so I get on and the first thing that I happens to me is that some kid yells out, "hi Esther!!!", at which point I look over and realize that it's my annoying camper from last session that I absolutely detested-the same one that puked in the pool. "Joy" I thought. So I took a seat by myself. The bus went through the same area that I went through every day to school-through the depressing forest run area. I was like great-school again! So I finally got to the maple community centre and I went inside, completely lost because I have never been there before. I had no clue where the camp even met every morning. So I went to the arena which was right in front of me. I thought that maybe it was in there or I could find someone to help me. Thankfully Maple Sports was in there. Thank G-d when I got there, there was a director I knew from before-Shayne-she lives on street. So I ask her if she knew my camper, I told her what camp, and she informed me that I was with maple sports at that current second. So she showed me where summer excitement was. I found out which camper group my camper was in and I met the counselors and such. I also found out that my camper wasn't there yet. "Great", I thought. Keep in mind that I don't even know what my camper looks like-all I know is his name-I’ve never met him before. After sign in finished I went to the camp director and who said she'd call the campers mother to see if he was coming and she would call Michelle to see what I should do. they couldn't get a hold of the mom but Michelle said that if my camper didn't show up by lunch then she would come to pick me up and take me to mighty mites and I would have a camper there I could be with for the day. "Great" I thought. "A little kid’s sports camper-my favorite. Whatever-there just better be a hot counselor or two there..." So I waited with my camper group. It’s so annoying though-they're all Italian and I can't even pronounce any of their names. It’s all either Alessandra or Alessandro! Oy. I felt like I was the only Jew there! But thank G-d I wasn’t the only leisure buddy there-there was one other. So at lunch I went to the office and waited. I waited for all of lunch and still no Michelle. I tried calling her but she wasn't there. Everyone just assumed that there was some situation she had to deal with-seeing as to how she's the behavior specialist. I waited another half an hour and still no Michelle. The director tried paging her but still no Michelle-she didn't eve respond to it. So I had to stay with my camper group the rest of the day. It was boring. The only highlight was that one time when I was going back and forth from my camper group and the office to see if Michelle called or anything I saw one of my old campers from last session that was on dry land and his camp was swimming. So I talked to him for a while. Then the day finally ended and I was waiting for my bus when Shayna came out and told me that they had found out that my camper was going to be away until Thursday because he was at a different camp until then. She also said that she had gotten a hold of Michelle and I’m supposed to go to odyssey for Wednesday to be with a camper she said I knew-who I actually don't now-I don't even know anyone by that name...so then the bus came and I got on. The second I got off the bus, some guy in a CV shirt came to me and asked me if I was biking downtown on Sunday, which I was, so I said yes. He said how he'd seen me-that he was one of the people who was handing out Kool Aid on harborfront-which I remembered slightly-just not him. Then he asked if I went to Thornhill because he's seen me around there before, at which I replied no-but I have friends who go there and I visit them sometimes. It was so scary-now I feel like I have a stalker...so I finally got home and collapsed on the couch and yea-that was my day....

I hope you all enjoyed. If you wish, you could always be very nice and leave me a message that i can respond to-because I'm so bored and I need something to do to pass the time.
O gah I'm so fucking hungry...and my breath smells....yucky.

11:32 am: Why, Why, Why?
Why must the ones we care for always be so far away?
Why can people not realize that insanely huge age differences is a problem?
Why must casual sex be so mainstream and common when it means nothing?
Why must lives be taken away from people so easily, quickly, and so soon?
Why, Why, Why?
Why must everything be based on appearance and the most shallowest of things?
Why must the ideal person look like barbie?
Why must the world insist on staring at those that are 'different' than others?
Why can no one look at someone for themselves, not for they're appearance?
Why, Why, Why?
Why are humans unable to be thankful for what they have?
Why must people do things that will fuck over their life and just hurt them in the end?
Why must everyone get penalized for expressing themself in a non-damaging way?
Why must cold sores constantly spread?
Why, Why, Why?
Why must my songs take so long to download?
Why must I always over analyze things?
Why do some people not analyze anything at all?
Why must I keep thinking about the same things over and over again even though i know those things always make me depressed?...

11:58 am: My weekend.
Here are the eventful happenings of my weekend:

Friday: In french class we did nothing because someone's cellphone went off and Brown refused to teacher, in a way, I'm not pissed-it as fun, even though I did get a headache from the yelling that was occuring. Later in the evening, I had an NCSY oneg at the BAYT. It was great fun really. I got the song, "A very narrow place" stuck in my head however for th whole weekend. Meh.

Saturday: I woke up and went to work like always. Daniel came over for unch and we decided to go on a walk. We walked along Arnold and then walked to the duck pond ad surrounding areas. It was a great 2 hour walk. I was so happy that I lost the weight of the half a plate of danishes I ate before, but then when I got back home, I finished off the plate. Meh, it was worth it. Saturday night, I had my friends birthday party, which was so much fun, until someone arrived and decided to steal the host to have a "P.C." with him. It was quite annoying because that persn would yell if anyone even came near for any reason. But, of course, the person was "fine", while they were balling their eyes out. My ass. So I called my mom to have her come pick me up because I got so dreadfully depressed just being in the same house as that person. How it pissed me off so... I then got home and wen on MSN for a while, then went off to sleep at about one in the morning.

Sunday: I woke up at noon, which was nice because for a change I actully got a normal amount of sleep. I "worked" all day, but in truth, I really just couldn't concentrate. I really don't want to have to rely on the aleration of drugs just for me to function. I truly am sick of it. I want to be in conrol of myself, but, alas, I know I am not. Hehe-alas...funny word... So thi brings me to the next part of my day. I was so overly hyper that I decided to go joing my family in the cleaning of the car for pesach. I went into the van and decided to mess with my brother by fucking with the radio. It was fun. Great fun. I then shoved dinner down my throat and rushed off to the school play. Bye bye Birdie....(insert random mushy bullshit.) As disgustingly sweet and sapy the play was. I must say it was quite good, espeacially because of the amazing mess-ups. Best ones I've ever seen. Then I called my mom right after the play ended to ask her to come pick me up. She said that my father would leave right away. Ha. After 20 minutes or so, I decided to call my mom and ask her where my fatheral figure was. She said "he left when you called, next time you should call the second the play is over!" And I say this: "Fuck y ou mom, I did! Stop being such a hypocritical bitch by saying that I lie when you do not know!" Wow I hate her. So I arrive home only to get yelled at more by my mother. Great fun as well... Kill me now...

Monday: Back to hell hole! I mean school... Boring noring suff it is. Punishment almost. In Rabbinics today I continued with my notes on Eleph Pa'am Lama. After finishing quite a bit, more than three and a quarter of a page, he decided to take it away. As much as I agree that I should not have been working on it in his class and he did have full right to take it away from me, did he really have to be such a bitch about it as to not even giving it back or even listening to me when I tried to plead my case? Guess not... Asshole...

And so, this has been my weekend and a bit more. I believe I shall go eat lunch now and then head off to math class *cringes*.

Farewell my journal, until next time.

-Stressther

(Wow I really am feeling odd today, my wording shows it as well... Meh.)